Life

Out Of Convenience

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 09:06:25 GMT

I’ve decided to keep this whiny piece of crap that’s laden with my high school drama instead of just making a new one. Hopefully I’ll actually start using it regularly and not drop off the face of the planet. Let’s do a brief update-

-College is going wonderfully. I’m doing better then I ever did in high school.
-I might be getting a job that pays ten dollars an hour which is fricking amazing!
-I have my car- which is a Saturn Vue and glorious when he isn’t being an asshole.
-I’m not doing half bad keeping friends from high school, which was one of my big- ‘holy crap the worlds going to end’ fears.
- My sister’s still nuts and nothing much seems like it’s going to change on that field but I don’t really expect it to.
- I’m still single, which isn’t a bad thing. A lot less stress but I do get those ‘Am I going to be alone forever?’ moments.

I'm rather optimistic right now, and that's unusual.

So on a slightly different note, over the holiday break I completed my normal ritual of staying up till dawn and watching the sunrise. I’ve done this every holiday break since fourth grade. This year was not the same. First off Dawn came a lot later, or at least I’m starting to feel the pull of age on my body. Second the reason why I have done this ritual is the inspiration that I get from it, the light slowly breaking through the darkness the night delivered, black, blue to that yellow orange, to pink, and suddenly pale blue which it remains till the night takes hold once more. It wasn’t as magically as it used to be. I’m hoping that this is a one-year thing and next break when I watch the sunrise in the east it’ll be just as compelling as it always had been. It was to accompany that sense of the New Year that maybe I’ll grow just a bit, and be just a bit better the next time I see the sun achieve it’s mini-morning-miracle and I have a whole year to do it! Guess I’ve made a lot of progress this past year and I’m actually happy with my life. Things could always be better but the could also be a hell of a lot worse. Next year I’ll have something to show the dawn, some more progress, something to show I’m moving forward at a decent pace.

I have a certain flare for the Dramatic don’t I?

Ipod Shuffle dances around

Wed, 02 May 2007 04:54:33 GMT

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1.Will you get far in life?
”Ordinary World” by Aurora UK- state the obvious

2. How do your friends see you?
”Let Me Go” by Good Charlotte- I don’t think I’m that clingy

3. Will you get married?
”Miracle” by Unsung Zeros- Yeah, no kidding

4. What is your best friend's theme song?
”Promise” by Eve6- I can see it sorta

5. What is the story of your life?
”Livin’ Livida Yoda” by Weird Al – What ta Fork? I think this test is saying I’m an ugly hermit that should go live in a forest on a swamp planet.

6. What was high school like?
a song from Fushigi Yugi- Drama! lol

7. How can you get ahead in life?
”Star Wars Cantina” by Weird Al- XD

8. What is the best thing about your friends?
”Hand Grenade” By The movielife- explosive

9. What is in store for this weekend?
”Sarah Yellin’ ” by 3 Doors Down- God I hope not

10. To describe your grandparents?
”Jurassic Park” By Weirld Al- heheheh, this is funny

11. How is your life going?
”On Love In Sadness”- I guess that’s kinda right

12. What song will they play at your funeral?
”Rescue” by Eve6- At least the Music is by a good band

13. How does the world see you?
”Soaring” by Sydney Forrest- this sounds about right

14. Will you have a happy life?
”Real World”- Matchbox20 –guess not

15. What do your friends really think of you?
”Dumb Reminders” by No use for a Name – thanks guys

16. Do people secretly lust after you?
”Break away” by Kelley Clarkson

17. How can I make myself happy?
”I sing the Sorrows” by AFI- not happening anytime soon, my sorrows are my own

18. What should you do with your life?
”Underdog” by Audio Adrenaline – Yay! I get to be the hero! *pause* wait a moment that sux!

19. Will you ever have children
”Thanks for the memories” by Fallout boy- I’m guessing that’s a yes?

20. How are you feeling today?
”Nocturnal” by Eve6- lol

This was fun! negative but funny! So it fits. Next time the Zodiac I think- Maybe. Ja ne!

Alphabet Soup, Schedule and a dash of Poetry

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 23:43:45 GMT

This is Alphabet soup
1.A is for age:
18, and not looking any younger
2. B is for beer of choice:
Kirin
3.C is for career right now:
Career meaning something you make money at right?- Jewelry maker
4. D is for your dog's name:
Tucker
5. E is for essential item you use everyday:
Bra
6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment:
Shear Genius
7. G is for favorite game:
Kingdom Hearts
8. H is for Home town:
STL- home of the Budweiser, the Arch, the Cardinals and not much else
9. I is for instruments you play:
Recorder, bongos, um… nothing much.
10. J is for favorite juice:
Orange
11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick:
Han Solo- just cause that would be awesome.
12. L is for last place you ate:
Jack in a box
13. M is for marriage:
Hopeful not anytime soon.
14. N is for your name:
Amy L.
15. O is for overnight hospital stays:
Same answer as the one for ‘M’
16. P is for people you were with today:
My friends and family
17. Q is for quote:
“When I sit down my fake naginata better not stab me in the ass.”
18. R is for Biggest Regret:
As of right now- Losing touch with people who were important to me.
19. S is for status:
S is for single.
20. T is for time you woke up today:
6:50am it keeps getting later.
21. U is for underwear:
White, and not a thong. That’s all anybody needs to know
22. V is for vegetable you love:
Carrots!
23. W is for worst habit:
There’s so many, probably my temper
24. X is for x-rays you've had:
When I go to the dentist some times and, my foot a couple times.
25. Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Tacos, and bacon cheddar potato wedges
26. Z is for the zodiac sign:
Aries- Values acceptance, Leaders, thickheaded, harsh with their words, hot-tempered, open attitudes; tend to have bury their feelings.
Moon in Aquarius- the moon relates to emotions and in this sign it often causes the person to seem cold, and uncaring even to the point of being cruel, but with time these people are a lot deeper then first perceived.

Modified Schedule
Time to make a schedule-
1 Tuesday- Japanese club meeting
2 Wenesday- Japanese club presenting FFVII: Advent Children
3 Thursday-last track practice! Yay!
4 Friday- Last track meet!
5 Saturday- Prom
10 Thursday- English AP test
11 Friday to 13 Sunday- A-Cen!
14 Monday- 17 Thursday- Finals *cries*
17 Thursday- My last day of highschool
24 Thursday- Graduation *rubs hands together at the thought of cash*
1 Friday- might have a party to go to

Unscheduled events
1.Get license
2. near the end of June going to get a car
3. beginning of July is going to get a job
4. going to start working on a side job for extra cash
5. Marisa's Birthday events
6. maybe a graduation party of my own?
7. College.
8. Need to finish projects that require equip the the school has
9. other social events
10. Family events
11. Surgery to remove a tumor.
That's all I can think of right now. So if you wanna get on the list you'd better speak up!

And just for a morale booster do this for me, but preferably if you've met me offline.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Eimii%20Gregs
The bad traits are sometimes more interesting to hear then the good, and I won’t hold it against ya! Type in a fake name if you don’t believe me.
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Eimii%20Gregs
It's a short personality descriptor thing. I wanna see what people think.

And for the poetry, please don't comment on it I just wrote it today, trying to work out some stuff mentally still-

Note from an Idiot to a Fellow Idiot

WE DON’T NEED YOUR FIGHT
YOUR WHINES, YOUR COMPLAINTS
We don’t need your praise God
Thump the bible after every ambiguous statement
It was supposed to be on the cusp of right and wrong
The pinpoint of a needle that it takes a master to
-Balance on-
The maverick, the teaser, the tempter, and more
With a hint of goodness that makes them walk
-The moral line-
Taking delight in that borderland, the purgatory
Of the spoken language, with its jeers and cheers
-Its joy and pains-
Not fearing for once that you are being place in the basket
Of a scale soon to be waiting for the counterweights that
-Are place within a heartbeat-

My next journal might be something about my Zodiac sign- just cause I like that stuff.

The Uke or Seme test.

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 03:56:34 GMT

Long story short I was on DA and some I watch posted this --->http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/testgen/4856/
I had to take it. I'm kinda surprisedslashed embarrassed at my result but any it posted below.
If you read it I tag you. Take the quiz and post you results as a comment this should be fun. :)

My Results....

Clueless Uke
Take Are you a Seme or an Uke? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>

You really have no clue, do you? You're satisfied just to have someone to eat hamburgers and play video games with, and are completely oblivious to other's manipulative behavior. You don't expect much, and that's good, because you're perfect prey for the Opportunist Seme, who will take advantage of you, and you probably won't even notice. But you'll be happy anyway, because ignorance is bliss.

Whine and cheese party.

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 06:30:07 GMT

The music in the movie Brother Bear sucks, secondly the history channel showing 'the last days of the world' plus my morbid curiousity has me slightly depressed, I'm starting to most the stuff I spend a lot of my time on doesn't matter a flying f*ck, though my art is starting to look a little better though I think people like it less. *le sigh* I want to see Maris! But she's too busy, and I'm likely caught up in track, the school's magazine, and Japanese club, and the school work, and see other people, and my family being in town, and a constant bombardment of holidays, and stuff associated with senior year, and trying to get my license, and, and STUFF! GAWD! I want something new in my life! *feels like crap on the inside* Maybe I need some sleep... *slinks under a bitchy angst cloud* I got caught up on Naruto the other day so that made me happy until I realized that Naruto doesn't matter. I wonder what does... I mean I stand out at track with a whole bunch of 'normal' people and I don't have anything to talk about. They all talk about music- a type I don't listen to-, or guys -which I don't have one-, or cars -same problems as before-, or their jobs -same problem as before-, or something else which I don't understand. It makes me think if I talk about anything important when I talk to my friends, and usually just rant about something relating to anime, or games, or something else fictional. *feels more like crap* I'm so social around people I know but drop me in a different group and suddenly I'm silent. They'll try to lure me into a discussion about something but there's nothing to talk about. I'm mean when I do talk about something other then fictional stuff, I talk philosophy, politics, art, and history... not popular subjects.

Fun stuff- Not everything I post is whiny

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 03:48:12 GMT

The Johari and Nohari Windows-

The johari window allows a number of people to tell me my good traits, and compare them to what traits I think I have.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Eimii+Gregs

The nohari window allows people to tell me my bad traits and then I get to laugh as I compare them.
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Eimii+Gregs

Be truthful, have fun!

Trying to be a friend

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 06:48:32 GMT

If light of recent events I’ve started to re-evaluate what kind of friend I am to the people I care about. If I done them any good by knowing them, Have I been there when I was needed, Was a suffocating, Could I have done what I did better, Could I have prevented any of the things that did happen, Do I take to long to act when I see something hurting them, Do I miss judge situations, Do I overact to things, Am I too stupid to pick up on things that I should? To tell the truth I’ve only got three really good friends, I had four before two months ago but sometimes things don’t work out. I wasn’t even the main one hurt by this; it was two of my three dear ones that were hurt. I don’t know if I reacted too slow to this gal’s, my ex-friends attempt to hurt them, Or if I overacted. I asked everyone if I should act, they said the equivalent to go ahead and gave me some action that expressed agreement of some shape. I spoke to the aggressor with the idea of protecting my friends. My hands were shaking but not from the fear I felt, not that it wasn’t apart of it in some minor way. The shaking was from what I think is best described as anger. Not the irritation I normally feel, or the peeved feeling when someone does something stupid but actually anger. I don’t get much of that anymore, I’ve mellowed out a bit from when I used to be the person who I the middle of class would stand up and announce my anger for all to hear. My emotions have all seemed to dim. It’s hard to get really anger about things, but on the reverse it’s hard to get really happy about anything. Plus the uncanny luck I’ve had for the past couple years died for about a month and a half, I think it might have risen from its ashes though. Oh and got to mention this- There has been a week of Peace! One Full F*cking Week. *knocks on nearby wood paneling* Not going to get my hopes up though- usually this would just mean the silence before the storm. Let’s all hope for the best and stand by each other. We’ll stand tall if we brace each other.

One Un-merry Christmas

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 05:33:07 GMT

So besides my usual lacking Christmas spirit, this is turning out to be not a very merry Christmas. For the past couple years I’ve just been celebrating the holidays spirit and left the actually meaning behind. My parents are fighting again. Not really a surprise, it’s kind of expected, but it also means the holiday spirit which they usually supply isn’t there for me to leech off of. I have no clue if I’m doing anything for New Year’s I want to have people over but with the current mood that probably won’t happen. I just want Christmas over with. I want the stuff people got me, I want the food, and then I want to go to bed. Wait nix the food I’ll eat the day after. But no, guess what I get two days of holiday ‘FUN’, that’s an acronym it stands for- Frigging Unbearable Nightmares, instead of one. Christmas eve with mother’s family, then Christmas with my father’s. My Mother’s is going to be the worse of the two days, I actually was starting to like my mother’s side till they invited everyone I don’t get along with but, hey whatever, I’ll just hide out in her basement with soda, candy, the tv, and computer, I think. I still don’t understand why the Grinch would want Christmas, once he figured out how wretched it is he’d give it back.

By The Way- Marisa if you read this I got you something for the holiday.

It's like a soda in the freezer

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 05:41:22 GMT

This is Journal is similar to the one I posted one DA so if you read one you don't have to read the other.

My Temper and Emotions are similar to a soda in the freezer. They sit slow explanding till the break the container lining everything with a sticky mess.

I hate dealing with some people. I really do, it reminds me why I used to be anti-social. Makes me miss it too. GAH! Some people don't make any damn sense. I’m not saying that I always do, but hell!

First off, Please if you know me, don't recruit for your church or religion directed at me, don't thump your frigging religious text, don't mention your frigging religious clubs, camps, or any other bullshit. If you wanna shove it down someone's throat you better be prepared to have it regurgitated and it not looking so pretty when it is. If you’re not prepared to have a theological discussion where nobody has the right answer, because there is no right answer to what a person can believe in.

Secondly don’t decided to screw with people who can't defend themselves against you. It's just wrong and ugly. I'm not saying that the person can't defend them self but against certain people they can't.

Third, if you decided to screw with my little comfortable world don't expect me to be happy with you. There are some things I value. Don't screw with them or I'll be pissy for at least a month, and it doesn't help coming up to me, saying I'm the one that's being uncivil when I haven't said anything to you.

Fourth, Don’t say you know somebody else’s path, for you have not walked it, with their burdens on your back and haven’t seen the world with their eyes. Then to say their path doesn’t work, when they are a living and happy example of it working just fine, seems a little stupid. Everybody is entitled to walk their own path as long as they don’t cause any trouble for anyone else. Don’t assume, just cause you have thought about it, that your answer works for everyone, cause it doesn’t, and it never will.

Fifth, Similar to the last one, just cause you think you know a person doesn’t mean you actually do. I have learned this with time, and so have several other people I know. You might never understand why people act a certain way or do something that they did. It’s probably better in some situations that you never try to find out why they did something. I’m not saying turn a blind eye to it. I’m saying remember your logic, your way of thinking is individual, and so is everyone else’s.

These should be basic things but some people a thick headed, and for those who might not have gotten it I’ll restate it in things I know you’ve probably all heard before.

First off- Don’t bring something up if you don’t want someone else’s person’s opinion on it.

Secondly- Don’t hit people who aren’t going to hit back, it’s the wrong thing to do and it makes you look bad.

Third- Don’t knock a bird’s nest out of a tree and expect a happy bird.

Fourth- Don’t open your mouth till you’ve walked a mile in that person’s shoes

Fifth- Everyone is an individual.

And now to end on a lighter note I present to you the Shel Silverstein poem-
'Listen to the MUSTN'TS'
from the book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" (1974)

Listen to the MUSTN'TS, child,
Listen to the DON'TS
Listen to the SHOULDN'TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON'TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES.
Then listen close to me -
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Rare Poetry

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 06:25:54 GMT

OK
Be Mad
Be stupid
Be unreasonable
Be temperamental
Fine
Just leave me be
If you need me
Fine
Just be real
If you care
Fine
Just be true
If you don’t
Fine
Just leave me be!

OK
If I fall
I’ll get up
Like I always do
With or
With out
YOU!
I’ve been up
I’ve been down
With and
With out
YOU!
I don’t care
Hate me
Leave me
Forget me
Sooner the better
To believe at all
To believe small
To believe big
To almost believe in
YOU!

Religion- A smattering of viewpoints

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 06:36:07 GMT

Why I don’t talk about Religious beliefs with certain people-
Let’s start with the basics- Most of them rely heavily on the church.
I, on the other hand, am an independent worshiper. I have enough faith in my beliefs to believe in them without a crowd standing behind, in front, and to the side of me who believe in the same thing. Churches don’t need buildings, churches don’t need a gym, churches don’t need youth groups, churches don’t need mission trips to foreign countries, churches don’t need a lot of things they think they do. Churches also tear communities apart. The idea of different churches in the same community means the idea that they praise and believe in different things and that, they for some reason that even they cannot rationalize, gives the idea that they are different. Usually this result in a competition to see which set of beliefs is right and mass recruiting. We have seen this in the past and it has resulted in horrible things. When it comes down to arguing theological differences no one will win, so it would by ridiculous to argue a side for hours and boring a audience to death, but unless you are trying to prove your point by killing them, sending them to heaven, or some other place and hoping for some sort of sign from that person or deity to prove your case is right. Some cases people believe that because their church works for them it will work for everyone, which in most cases it doesn’t.

Though I will admit the church does do some beneficial things for some people. Some equaling a very small percentage of people that are generally people who had lost faith then found it again other people have used it as a crutch whenever something went wrong, then praise the Lord it was good again.

Question Time!
Why do people continue to go to church when they are strong in their faith and don’t need the support?

Why do a lot of churches feel the need to recruit people?

Do most people go to church to praise God or is it because of family tradition?

How many people go through life not doubting their religion?

“Post-Christian America”- This has been described by many people as the next step for America, is this necessarily a bad thing? And before answering take a moment to think about it. Evidence- "I'm looking at the data," Luce tells the paper, "and we've become post-Christian America, like post-Christian Europe. We've been working as hard as we know how to work — everyone in youth ministry is working hard — but we're losing." Luce's "data" is his much quoted claim that only 4 percent of teenagers will be "Bible-believing Christians" (or, in his ads, "evangelical believers") as adults.-
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/octoberweb-only/140-51.0.html

To Continue- Bible believing Christians, not that I’m truly against them but to believe every word Bible is similar to believing every word in a text book that has had several people decided to take parts out of it, translate it into another language, have them take parts of it out, rearrange it, then translate it into the language you can read. Supposing it was a science textbook that spoke of the creation of the universe, that once said something along the lines of “The most believed theory of the universe’s creation was the ‘big bang’ theory, a theory which states… Ect.” And by the time it gets to you it states, “The universe was created, and people have thought about it.” Now I admit I have made the hackles of many people out there just raise, by comparing the Bible to a Mistranslated bias science textbook. Not that I’m saying everyone should go buy a copy of the Bible in Latin, which wasn’t it totally original language anyway…

Speaking of raising hackles, I heard a phrase this evening that really brought mine up quickly, “True Christians.” I find it to be a phrase used most often by people who like to raise themselves upon a high level then the ones around them. After hearing it, I realized that I would instantaneously not fit onto this self-proclaimed pedestal of greatness. It brought up the idea that if there are these supposed ‘True Christians’ then there must be ‘False Christians’. In most translations of the egotistical bullshit that seems to spill from the mouths of “True Christians”, it means everyone that doesn’t fit on their little island. Common phrases that will get you voted of the island- “If you aren’t ‘insert denomination’ you are a true Christian.”, “If you don’t believe every word of the Bible you are a true Christian.”, “If you don’t get confirmed you are a true Christian.” Ect. It all sickens me. When did it get so disgusting? It almost just seems a reason to say that you are better then others. I still go to churches to try, sometimes I give them multiple shots but most the time I end up being frustrated with the people, beliefs, or the whole kitten-caboodle.

A person’s beliefs should not be discussed when the person is incapable of describing them, is not present to vouch for their beliefs, or the person asking is going to go off on some elitist crap and not let the person talk. About this time some people are sitting their putting their hands on their hips and going ‘I’m not an elitist! I just have better faith then most people’ and I want everyone who just did that to sit for a moment a think about what they just said, then re-read this paragraph. Now, mind you that anyone who wishes to make the comment that I am not letting people represent themselves can sit there and comment at the end of this message, and I will try to have an engaging theological based discussion, but if you just sound like a moron, you will be treated like one and ignored. It’s perfectly fine to worship all you want, just leave me out of it.

The ‘Sometimes Christian’- A lot of people are these. Something goes wrong they pray, or they need on something they pray. They don’t thank God for the good things. I think it is similar to the statement- “They are no atheists in Foxholes…” William T.Cummings: Sermons on Bataan, March 1942. When people are underfire they remember God, because God is hope. When people list off the basic needs of man they forget to list hope.
So here I correct the list, man, as in mankind, needs food, water, air, shelter, and hope.

Another question-
Are we all praying to the same God? Please formulate an answer before reading ahead.

I believe we are. When someone prays, “ ‘insert name of deity’ please help me.” The call for help, for hope, for health, for happiness, I believe is being heard by one supernatural benevolent being. Again someone’s hackles just raised and someone else just started to think about my answer. It’s not the idea of believing in different things, it’s the idea that we all believe in something. Something that good, or bad, or neutral that give a rips about us. Something that made us with an idea in mind. Something to give us all hope.

This whole passage sounds very anti-atheist. I’m sorry, I will state that I admire the atheist’s courage, and persisentece to believe in nothing, but I think they are stupid. They may have their reasons but I have mine, and I can only hope that someday they learn to believe in something greater.

A simple rant gone wrong.

Sat, 03 Jun 2006 10:19:33 GMT

In light of the recent situation with my grandfather and other such things I’ve decided to take a moment and reflect on the modern thoughts on death. Let’s start of with the common theory- Death is bad. It means the end to sickness, the end to pain, the end to emotional suffering for the one dying (a whole other field for the ones losing), it also means the end to love (brotherly, friendly, lovers, or otherwise), the end of hate or indifference which ever you see as worse. Now if we take a step back in time and look at death from the prospective of the transcendentalists- it is just the normal progression of humans and it means we are one with nature, and god. It also views death as the ultimate equalizer. When someone dies it doesn’t matter whether they were rich or poor, young or old, wise or pathetically stupid, you’re dead. Too bad game over. Don’t pass go. Don’t collect 200. You’re dead. Pretty- what’s the word- humbling? If you thought you tough shit for even a moment it doesn’t matter. I believe the best phrase of this maybe- the most respected of rulers lay in the same dirt as the most infamous scoundrel. I kind of prefer the view of the transcendentalists besides the whole buried in the ground thing. The whole idea of bugs eat you is sickening. Who votes for cremation! *raises hand* I do! Okay so bad to the modern view- Death is bad. “How did this evolve?” I asked myself. Note- I did not actually say this out loud. Talking to oneself is bad no matter how you look at it- unless it’s a puppet show then that’s fine. So after some thought I came to the conclusion that this way of thinking came around because people are greedy. We Want other people to stay, We Want every moment we can squeeze outta God’s grasp, We don’t Want that humbling equality with people we don’t see as our equals, We don’t Want to lose all we have work or didn’t work for (in case you were born to millionaires. If so- Why in the hell are you reading this?!), We Want. It’s that simple. Of course sometimes it is a need then a death can, but probably won’t, be seen as tragic. Now before the couple of people I know read this have negative reactions to this post and go telling people to make sure I don’t do something stupid, I will state this- I am Damn Lucky. Lucky to have been born into a society where a have the freedom to be as much as I truly want to be. Lucky to have people watching out for my back. Lucky to have the abilities that I have either strived for or was given to me naturally. *in a mumbled volume* Lucky to be alive after all the stupid stuff I’ve already done. *cough, and is back in normal volume* When I think back on all the times I could have died, (I recently tried to count them the list was something like- I was almost ran over by a cars twice, fell from a height that should’ve killed me about four times, been in two car accidents that under the right conditions would have been deadly, been in five other accidents involving moving objects of transportation that weren’t cars, had two potentially brain frying fevers, it went on.) I see where you get only the amount of time you were supposed to have cause if you didn’t I wouldn’t be here. You know what bothers me when I think about this topic? Why are the major Holiday figures male? Don’t bother asking how that is related but trust me it is. Actually why don’t I just explain- Death, to the grim reaper who is male, to father time who is also male and probably would know the grim reaper fairly well if they were actually physical embodiments of what they represent, to baby new years often shown in a top hat which would imply that baby new year is male, to Cupid cause he’s the next on the calendar, to the leprechaun who is definitely a male, to the Easter bunny who in every movie I’ve ever seen with him in it he was a he, to Uncle Sam which could be argued but I’ve always known him to be associated with the 4th of July, to the various figures of Halloween which are predominately male- Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, the headless horseman, ect. I hope you see what I mean for that holiday, to the Turkey who goes gobble gobble in a male voice in many holiday short cartoons to the funny dancing turkeys on the shelf at walgreens, to the fat-man himself Santa and his sidekick Rudolf. All of them Guys! Has anybody else noticed this?! Okay so it strays a bit off topic. Okay so I should probably justify how I can get away with saying ‘a bit’ off topic. Well, you see, My grandfather who recently died was against the whole women’s liberation movement. To the point where his wife never had a job, never had a license, I don’t even remember seeing my grandmother wear pants! Did I mention I’m wearing pants to his funeral? Oh Yes Indeedy! I Am. Oh what the rebel he thought I was. We didn’t get along very well. If I’m going to miss anything about if it’s probably going to be the moments of awkward silence that would occur after I responded to one of his anti-female remarks. That awkward silence was often a sign of victory. I have no clue why he was so against women. He had three daughters. Of course that could’ve been it. *shrugs* Doesn’t matter, I don’t have to deal with it anymore anyway. With that last comment someone reading this probably winced- well too bad I MEANT it to sound bad. I’m not that nice of a person. Most people believe me to be this nice, caring, charismatic, even though a somewhat rough person. While other mainly people I don’t get along with see me much differently, too bad so sad. I don’t give a rip. I stopped giving a rip a long time ago back when I used to let others say who I was. Now days it’s a bit different which is why when I go to that funeral Sunday and Monday I’m going to hold my mostly brunette head high. I’m going to make sure everyone in the place knows I’m the next runaway artist. Yes, here comes another family story. Did you know every artist of that side of the family packed up their bags one day and left their parent’s home? Quite interesting- I might attempt it one day. Of course it would be really handy if a handsome guy on a white horse (or mustang preferable an older model cause those are cooler looking) would come by and sweep me off my feet to a life in the lap of luxury. RIGHT! *hits head with hand to bring head out of the clouds* That doesn’t happen! But that doesn’t mean I can’t dream about it. *sigh* We’d move to a strange far off city like Seattle, or New York and wouldn’t have the little house with a white picket fence but a flat where you could half the city. We would have a couple Betta fishes, a cat, and a dog. *hits head again* Man, I almost got lost back there. So ever had the urge to go to your school and burn bras? Most of you probably never did but ever once in a while I get a real bad urge to do so. I resist it and probably for the betterment of my police record… I think that wraps up this installment of ‘It should be illegal for Amy to have a keyboard at 4-er… 5AM.’ Good morning or night to whoever is reading this.

Here's an update.

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 09:19:39 GMT

So here’s a check up current events. My best friend is still in Japan and I swear I’m gonna be sick if I read/watch/play another thing that has to do with friends fighting/being separated/dying. I’m outta school for a couple weeks till I go back for summer gym. No, I did not fail gym- my school offers it during the summer. My sister is still insane as ever, but at least she hasn’t been violent recently. Though she has been yelling a lot though. Hm… More of my friends are leaving me but I think I’ve come to terms with that. If I haven’t stated it in previous journals then I’ll state it now- It didn’t work out with the guy I liked. Yeah, in-between may of last year and December he liked two girls and didn’t even bother to tell me that he wasn’t going to give me the time of day. We’re still friends. The school magazine I was head of staff for had a turbulent year. We sucked horribly. I guess that failure rearing up its ugly head again. I place most the blame on myself but chances are I’ll get re-elected as head of staff next year. The people of the staff believe that this year was a learning experience for all of us. We had a new teacher, we didn’t have the help of an art teacher like we did in the past, a person in the group tried to have my kicked out within the first couple weeks- they failed, half the time group members didn’t show up, we had to create a judging scale, we still had the competition of the rival magazine, and in the most crucial week the sponsor teacher had to have her appendix taken out. We’ll do better next year. I promise. *sigh* Right now I hoping that a passed U.S. history. It’s not that I don’t know the information I’m just lazy. I think that’s about it… I’m keeping my admirers outta this post. They piss me off. Oh almost forgot my grandfather died about two hours ago. Not much of a surprise since the doctors have been threaten this for years.

I should be working on something.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 06:06:26 GMT

So, I just read my best friend's post. She's off in Japan and seems to be doing alright. Currently I'm slightly envious of her cause she doesn't have to do state testing next week. As the title says I should be probably working on school work or something. Oh, almost forgot I finished KH2- it was awsome, but I won't spoil it for for you.

I've been bored!

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 05:53:21 GMT

So as usual when people of little intell. do they update their blogs and another thing we dumb people do is take quizzes.

the Prankster

(47% dark, 26% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | LIGHT

Your humor has an intellectual, even conceptual slant to it. You're not pretentious, but you're not into what some would call 'low humor' either. You'll laugh at a good dirty joke, but you definitely prefer something clever to something moist.

You probably like well-thought-out pranks and/or spoofs and it's highly likely you've tried one of these things yourself. In a lot of ways, yours is the most entertaining type of humor because it's smart without being mean-spirited.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Conan O'Brian - Ashton Kutcher

The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 40% on darkness

You scored higher than 7% on spontaneity

You scored higher than 12% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

OK so on to the update. My, my, it has been a long time. Well nothing in my life has really changed. I got Head of Staff on my school literary magazine. I'll leave it off here for now.

I fear December.

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 20:07:25 GMT

I know it's months any but the month of December worries me. You wanna know why? Cause I have finals, and grades due, my best friend may be leaving the country and I may get to date the guy I've liked at the start of winter. Yeah, I fear December. I have a phrase a say/think commonly "There are two things that keep me sane: My friends and my enemies." Now the guy I like used to be an enemy, and most my friends are going to graduate this coming school year. This is going to suck.

School bites

Tue, 10 May 2005 00:55:09 GMT

So school has basically killed my majors. Art and Japanese are now dead. Next year I'm stuck taking two art classes I don't really care for. I'm on the verge of failing three of my classes which are math, science and english. The three classes I have to pass. The literary magazine I'm working on has its first ever rival and it's not selling good. My art teacher failed me cause of lousy paper work. I might post some of my art up here one day. He gave me a speech in which he acted as if I was suicidal. He contacted my guidance counseler and now my dreams are sunk but that's ok isn't? I have others. Not really. For a long time I wanted to work in a field where I can use my talent for art in a constructive way. I'm trying to get people to write the school board to get my favorite art class back but I'm starting to not see the point. I feel kinda useless. They won't listen to me or anyone else. I've never been heard by the school. One time comes to mind when I was in elementary school and I was in the guidance counseler's office cause of the people who were teasing me. They used a system that consisted of who could bring the most allies. I always lost. She would sit me there and ask me why I was lying and say I was taking her time from more important cases. Yeah, like the ones she had let walk out the door. I never understood why she thought that system would work. I have a long memory. I remember things a lot of people don't seem to. I've never really been good at school they repeat too much and don't seem to actually teach. They hand you a paper and tell you to fill it in or they teach you how to answer tests. They teach you how to answer the test but not the answer to the questions. That works well.

Failure

Thu, 05 May 2005 05:58:59 GMT

I've always worried about it. A nagging voice in the back of my head, 'You're going to let them down. All of them, and it'll be big. You're not big enough to stop it. You're not good enough to prevent. You're not smart enough to fix, if it could be fixed. That is if that was an option.' I'll sit there an muddle over these thoughts. How I'm I going to screw up? How many more days do I have to wait? Is it going to be my family or my friends? What'll happen? I clear my mind with the thought, 'Don't think about horrid things till they happen, don't think about horrid thing till they happen, don't think about horrid things till they happen.' I will fail one day. I've had this feeling ever since I was in third grade. Maybe it's only cause I don't think I'm good enough, or strong enough, or smart enough. Even though I've been told many times that I'm kind and strong, and smart. I've been told I'm a rare type of person to find these days. A person with honor that show respect to my fellow people. Is it truly that hard to find? A person who understand most types of situations cause I've been in them or something like them. Parent problems? Been there. Sibling problems? Done that. School problems? Out the ass. Boy problems? No kidding. Problems on the job? Yes, that's why I don't have one. Car problems? Sure, I don't have my license yet.I understand people the best I can. That's what I do.

The guy

Thu, 05 May 2005 05:32:19 GMT

Now I know every girl has guy troubles and if you don't you're lucky. This started back at the beginning of the school year, when I developed a crush on a guy. A guy named Cyrus Davis. I've known him since first grade and he help tease me, and make my life into the hell it was. He wasn't the one thinking up the insults. No, he was the one who stood behind that guy, and laughed. That's all he ever did back then was laugh and mimic the others. They hurt me so bad I curled into a fetal position behind gym mats and cried my eyes out, thinking I was safe from their words as long as I was behind those mats. For five years they did this to me. Everyday I'd see them sneer, and then make me into their sick amusement. I don't understand why he seems so different now. People change, inside and out, but to think that he changed enough for me to think of him like that. Like the smart, witty, clever, dashing, humorous guy I think he is.For so long I looked for a reason to hate him the way I used to. Then he gave me a reason. I had asked him if he remembered what happened, he said no, One night a sat at dinner with him and some of my friends. The topic of the past came up and I started to talk about what happened. He put his head down and stated, "Yeah, I was a real jerk back then. Wasn't I?" My reason was there shining with a beautiful golden nimbus. He lied to me. I forgave him, twice that night once for the past and again for the lie.After that I gave up and told him what I felt. We had been looking for his brother when things got too quiet.

Cy: Why is everybody being so quiet? Come on people, talk!
Amy: I’m thinking about what to say…
Cy: Don’t think just, Say It! See, I keep saying I’m going to get a leash for my brother… I don’t can what you say what you say you could say Rubber ducky, and I wouldn’t care. Or whatever that that thing is… I don’t care, just talk.
Amy: Ok Cy, You want me to talk, I’ll talk. * Grabs Cy’s hand and hold it in both of hers * I really like you. I’ve had a major crush on you every since the beginning of this year.
Celeste & James: * Jumping, hugging, handshaking & squealing *
Cy: …
Amy: I’m being completely serious about this even though I’m wearing Cat ears, bell and tail. * Amy lets their hands drop down *
Cy: … Rubber ducky… I don’t know what to say… It’s * points to head * blank. * Hugs Amy for about and minute then pulls away and holds waist for a moment * That better?
James: So are you two going out now?
Amy: I don’t know he never answered. * James drags Cy away and talks with him*
Celeste: I can’t believe you did it! Even after you told me you would!
Amy: I can’t believe I did it either… * Cy and James come back *
Cy: * Hugs Amy* Yes! * Lets go of her and receives a peck on the cheek and gives one to Amy * How’s that?

The next day I talked with him to be sure that is what he wanted. He wasn't sure. "Not now, maybe later. I don't need my life anymore complicated then it is now." I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh so hard but I put my head down and nodded. He was a fine one to say that to me. I swallowed me words and we went to announce the verdict. When it was announced my friends circled him. I tugged his arm and put him behind me. My friends didn't back down they just seemed to crouch down and wait to pounce.

Making up for lost time.

Thu, 05 May 2005 05:00:59 GMT

That last post was something I typed a week ago while I sat at my computer thinking about my life. What have I accomplished in the past sixteen years? I've been told I've helped save people's lives. One story was that my friend had coutned out the pills at she had a cup of water in one hand and the pills in the other. She stopped to think and one of the only thoughts that came to her mind was 'if I do this I don't know what would happen if I didn't. I have those people who showed me kindness, like Amy and her friends...' She put down the water and put the pills away. And another one is one of my quiet friends, she had gone into a depression and tried to distance herself from her friends but everyday about I'd come and find her luring her back inside with a candybar. Bring her back. I've always had a feeling I'm going to fail them. Upset them, but I never would do that on purpose.

Earily this month a friend(a) of mine wanted me to talk to the guy I like cause she believed he was treating her wrongly. I talked to him like she asked. This girl had said that she and another one of my friends had the same problem. I asked the other one(b) if it had been that BIG of an issue. She said it was not. I then confronted the antagonist in this situation to see what she thought of it. She, who shall remain nameless, jumped to the conculsion that I thought she was lying. Lying and over exaggerating are two different things. So needless to say she threw a fit. Some rumors got spread about her and I don't know how. So, she blames me. I was sitting in a hallway after school minding my own business when she walks by I wave. She stops and yells, "If you're going to be mad at me the least you can do is not spread rumors about me!" Then she stalked off with out letting me even defend myself. I shouted after her, "*name*, come back here and tell me what I said cause I do even know!" a person I had been trying to make friends with heard this and won't even think about becoming close with me. My mother finally got there, and I started to scream and yell. When I got home I screamed some more, then started crying. One of my friends called me. I was so rage filled I couldn't hold the conversation and said I'd call her back. I picked up the phone and called up the the girl(b) who was involved in this earlier and pleaded for her to believe me while tears rooled down my face. I hung up, went into my basement where an old rough canvas punching bag hangs, the kind that gloves should be mandatory if you are to ever use it, an killed my knuckles to the point where I know have scars on them. Late the girl called me to give me one last chance, as she said, if I had my choice I should have wrote her off for good. I told her what happened and basically she tried to make me say I did it. I didn't and I wasn't going to say it. Her tone said she didn't believe me and I was hurt. Well, if she doesn't trust me that's her problem. I'm not going to cry and whine. I don't need her to make my problems any worse. I told her I wouldn't forgive her till the scars on my knuckles were gone. She insulted me deeply, my honor, my loyalty, my character, my truthfulness, my friendship, all of it. I'm not sure when those scars dissapear she will be forgiven. Nor do I care.

Introduction

Thu, 05 May 2005 04:30:00 GMT

So Let’s not pick up where my last rant left off. For those who know me and read this let’s start with what hasn’t changed. Crazy family, failing in school, and everything I attempt, not being able to woo the guy I like, school getting rid of my classes, Friends leaving or getting medicated, yeah it sucks. And now for those who don’t know me and may someday read this let me start at the beginning…. A long, long time ago in a place that seems so far away,

So for the first few years of my life I was given the discussion because I was the youngest to A.) stay with the parents or B.) try to pal around with the big kids. I choose letter B deciding to catch up with the other kids and thus skipping a couple levels of maturity. Secondly, I’ve grown up knowing my father wanted a son to carry on the family name, and me not being a son when I was born disappointed him. My sister tortured me through those first years as well. Kindergarten came and I was on top of the world. Leader, loved and admired by everyone, then we moved after that year. I went to a public school where I was liked for the first few weeks as the new kid, then tossed away like a broken toy. I lived the next five years of my life being picked on, teased, insulted, till I decided to stand up and not listen. Fourth grade my mother went back to work, after I had her around my whole life I would have to do without her. This was also when mother started to scream for a divorce from my father on grounds that he cheated on her. Fifth grade my father was arrested for striking my mother after she had punched him. She called the police, saying she didn’t do anything. Not all that came from those years was bad. I had made one friend, Marisa, who is still my friend till this very day. I also became a leader once again. Middle school rolled around, and once again I was back on top. During the next year, at the being of the school year my grandfather died, then terrorists attacked America. These two events happened about a month apart from each other. That summer my grandmother on my mother’s side had a stroke, fell broke her hip, and shattered her shoulder. She cared for my grandfather and because she no longer could my grandfather moved in with us. He was old fashioned and sick. So sick he was delusional. One night I remember getting woken up but his screams only to roll over and try to sleep. My grandfather didn’t like my sister and me cause we are girls. My mother quit her job to take care of him. He spent about one year with us, till my mother threw him out. That happened during January of 2003. Life slowed down and started to return to normal for a couple of months. August of that year my sister became delusional and suffered malnutrition. I joined color guard hoping to get out of the house and away from my family, only to quit cause the way I was treated by the members and because it was a burden to my family. My sister was deemed suicidal and committed to a mental ward for a week in October. I sunk into a depression, and seemed to sleep all of the time. I also found that books and games were a great way to get away from the real world. I had more friends then I’ve ever had yet I was depressed. I was yelled at called a cruel and heartless bitch by my family because I could not show sympathy for my sister who had tortured me when we were growing up. My mother still wanted a divorce but she decided to stay for the sake of the children, a.k.a. me. So I had to keep my family together. Life improved, I developed a crush and came out of my depression. I was now in tenth grade. I ignored my family and distance my self from them. My sister’s mental health went down again around Christmas. On New Year’s Day I found out more then one of my friends was suicidal. My sister’s health went back up, then down again in February. I was recruited to sometimes play watchdog over her when my mother had to go someplace. I, a fifteen year old had to watch over her 24-year-old sister, who had never treated like a sister should. In March I admitted my crush on this guy only to have him say yes, then the day after say “Not now maybe later. I don’t need my life anymore complicated then it is now.” I wanted to laugh. I wanted to laugh so hard. We also got news of my aunt getting an abortion. The child that was aborted was believed to be a boy and due to a promise my aunt had made to my father, he was supposed to get any child she was to give birth to. So my father lost his last chance at carrying on the family name. In early April, my grandmother are in and out of the hospital for the first week then I get into a fight with my friend and end up breaking open my knuckles on a punching bag to rid me of my anger. My school then announced they are discontinuing my favorite class and plan to get rid of my art class for next year. Marisa, a week later, tells me she maybe leaving in a foreign exchange program for half of next year. I’m not doing too good in most my classes and one of my friends is going on medication. This is my life.